My Nan, scary as fuck. She could never be described as likeable, but she was a formidable presence and she got shit done. She took crap from nobody. And when, as was often, some fool refused her request, usually a postal worker back in the day when you had to collect your pension from a UK post office, she would slip into a Persian dialect before launching into the state of Manhood and the failure of the British class system. She would get her way...always.
My mom’s mom was unlikable, thank you for this perspective. Maybe I can overlook her insults to me by rejoicing that she passed them out to people who deserved them?
When she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. She gasped and told me that that was a man’s job. My grandpa was a lawyer, but SHE was a doctor of public health. I’m still upset I wasn’t quick enough to ask her why she could have a man’s job but I couldn’t. In fairness to myself I was only about seven years old, but still.
Katie - your writing is totally brilliant - love your attitude and belligerence to defend women in a brilliant way - congrats. The world needs many more women like you. Check out a good friend who is CEO of a company called GenderFair.com - creates a Gender Score for large companies to rate how top to bottom they treat women. Michael Smolens - Gender Without Borders
Reminds me of my great-grandmother, born in 1903, whom I knew well before she died at just over 100. Everyone called her a “battle-ax” (I didn’t know the term growing up and thought it would have been spelled something like baddlax 😂).
She lived in a beautiful house and had a cook. I always thought it must have been money she inherited from her husband, and only recently learned that HE had gone bankrupt in like 1952; SHE became a hugely successful real estate agent from ages 50-92 and brought in all of those lovely things. She ruled with an iron fist and since women couldn’t really have their own bank accounts or credit lines, she put all of her money in various houses, that she’d sell off whenever she needed some cash.
We’re lucky, aren’t we, that we got to see firsthand that being “unlikeable” won’t kill you, it’ll just bring you closer to the things you want. But I agree, while most men see other men as “likable” regardless of how horrid they can be, if we deviate one centimeter people try to bash us back in. It’s a matter of not letting them.
Thank you for sharing your great-grandmother's story! I agree, we got quite lucky. I'm not sure I would be the woman I am today if it wasn't for my 'unlikeable' grandma.
My female superhero fiction characters are "dying to be themselves", too. They don't feel like themselves in their conventional secret identities, but their heroine ones are "themselves".
I suspect that many other females in that business have that similar kind of tension in their lives.
hi! in the spirit of "unlikeability," the word "female" is an adjective, not a noun. you used it correctly once and incorrectly a second time. if you're going to write female characters, please do some more reading about that distinction, which many women and femmes feel strongly about and rightfully so.
Gosh I loved this. My paternal grandmother passed away last year and I feel similarly about her. She loved us but her life was tough and I suspect she was just wildly unhappy. Always. She was a stark contrast to my (still living) maternal grandmother who is very sweet. Thank you for giving me permission to say she was unlikeable. Its almost like you're not allowed to say what she was really like.
My Nan, scary as fuck. She could never be described as likeable, but she was a formidable presence and she got shit done. She took crap from nobody. And when, as was often, some fool refused her request, usually a postal worker back in the day when you had to collect your pension from a UK post office, she would slip into a Persian dialect before launching into the state of Manhood and the failure of the British class system. She would get her way...always.
I have a feeling my grandma would have really liked yours.
My mom’s mom was unlikable, thank you for this perspective. Maybe I can overlook her insults to me by rejoicing that she passed them out to people who deserved them?
When she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. She gasped and told me that that was a man’s job. My grandpa was a lawyer, but SHE was a doctor of public health. I’m still upset I wasn’t quick enough to ask her why she could have a man’s job but I couldn’t. In fairness to myself I was only about seven years old, but still.
It's saddening how many women had, and still have, internalised misogyny and choose to fight against each other than for one another.
Katie - your writing is totally brilliant - love your attitude and belligerence to defend women in a brilliant way - congrats. The world needs many more women like you. Check out a good friend who is CEO of a company called GenderFair.com - creates a Gender Score for large companies to rate how top to bottom they treat women. Michael Smolens - Gender Without Borders
Reminds me of my great-grandmother, born in 1903, whom I knew well before she died at just over 100. Everyone called her a “battle-ax” (I didn’t know the term growing up and thought it would have been spelled something like baddlax 😂).
She lived in a beautiful house and had a cook. I always thought it must have been money she inherited from her husband, and only recently learned that HE had gone bankrupt in like 1952; SHE became a hugely successful real estate agent from ages 50-92 and brought in all of those lovely things. She ruled with an iron fist and since women couldn’t really have their own bank accounts or credit lines, she put all of her money in various houses, that she’d sell off whenever she needed some cash.
We’re lucky, aren’t we, that we got to see firsthand that being “unlikeable” won’t kill you, it’ll just bring you closer to the things you want. But I agree, while most men see other men as “likable” regardless of how horrid they can be, if we deviate one centimeter people try to bash us back in. It’s a matter of not letting them.
Thank you for sharing your great-grandmother's story! I agree, we got quite lucky. I'm not sure I would be the woman I am today if it wasn't for my 'unlikeable' grandma.
Say hi to my maternal grandmother (mostly) and to my mother (totally)
Two unlikable women, Grandma was harsh to everyone outside of family but doted on Grandpa
Mom, well, my favorite memory of her is cussing the bank after it finally gave her a credit card (~1974 time frame)
My female superhero fiction characters are "dying to be themselves", too. They don't feel like themselves in their conventional secret identities, but their heroine ones are "themselves".
I suspect that many other females in that business have that similar kind of tension in their lives.
Other “females” in *what* business?
Superhero work.
hi! in the spirit of "unlikeability," the word "female" is an adjective, not a noun. you used it correctly once and incorrectly a second time. if you're going to write female characters, please do some more reading about that distinction, which many women and femmes feel strongly about and rightfully so.
Okay…
I love your grandma!
She's the best.
Love this- glad you learned the lesson of “unlikeability” early. I’m still working on it, but you inspire me!
Thank you!
Keep being yourself. Your grandmother sounds delightful. One of mine was similar.
Gosh I loved this. My paternal grandmother passed away last year and I feel similarly about her. She loved us but her life was tough and I suspect she was just wildly unhappy. Always. She was a stark contrast to my (still living) maternal grandmother who is very sweet. Thank you for giving me permission to say she was unlikeable. Its almost like you're not allowed to say what she was really like.
I have never related to an essay more than this, right down to being told not to wear heels because I'm tall. 😆
Another excellent essay -
Have you read Judith Butler’s excellent book on Gender? Lots of crossover in thinking.
This is excellent! I'm so pleased you wrote this article. A story that needs to be repeated often .
This was a delight.
Oh to be an obnoxious woman - the too much, too loud, untameable type. What an accolade.
Had to tell you my father is from Wrocław. I spent every summer with my grandparents there and still visit. Sending ❤️