I fucking hate the holidays because of this and performative bullshit family theater. If I could be put into a coma from the last week in November through the first week of January every year I would.
I’ve never been religious and some time in my mid 30s I just stopped dealing with Christmas stuff. I don’t have kids so I can skip it and nobody’s going to call me a bad person.
For a couple years I continue to send Christmas cards because I hate making phone calls and I felt like this was a way to reach out to people I don’t talk to often.
But I’m not doing it this year. Everything costs too much money and the post office rarely delivers the mail correctly anymore. I’m not spending money on cards and stamps just to have them not show up.
If, perhaps, it did not fall to individual women to act alone for every aspect of making the holiday work (as so the stereotyped but accurate image goes), but active collaboration among family members to sub-divide the labor, women would not feel the need to accomplish it all to make it work. In my family, at least, events and activities are subcontracted among a large group of people, but I know not everyone has that luxury.
It is possible to make sure women do not have to believe it all has to "come out of {their] holly jolly butt" (as one fictional animated woman once put it), and being considerate and thoughtful about not making everything the responsibility of one person will go a long way towards redefining this outdated attitude towards December labor.
Nice advice to "fix it", but my experience is that "active collaboration" aka "family meetings" are filled with good intent and that's where it dead ends. There is a generation gap as well, where meetings won't even happen.
The last time I lived with a couple it would fall all on her because she was the only one who seemed to want the Christmas celebrations. They didn’t have kids so it would’ve been fine if they skipped it but she really enjoyed it and he didn’t.
For them it turned out to be a compatibility thing, not just with Christmas but with children and everything. But I could kind of understand why he didn’t want to spend time after work decorating the house for a Christmas party he didn’t want in the first place.
But I also understand why “keeping a man” means if she didn’t do it he would go find Christmas joy somewhere else.
But, I think this is a compatibility thing. If she had got with someone who enjoyed Christmas celebrations maybe he would’ve helped. We could argue that if he cared about her he should want her to enjoy Christmas, but I think he felt that by paying for all the stuff that was good enough and she should handle the rest.
This article really hit close to home, thank you for writing it. I saw so much of my mother and my grandmother in this… But it also made me realize how far I’ve personally come with my partner. He not only volunteers but does many of these extras for me, and always has But he always checks in on me to make sure I’m not feeling over burdened.💕
wait "woke and undermining traditional gender norms and the traditional Christian family"?? that's literally what gender norms and traditional roles are in a traditional family (I daresay even other than Christian). Are people losing the plot?!
I’m pretty sure that all the extra Christmas work is part of why I decided to remain Childfree. That and kids birthday parties. I didn’t want to do any of that stuff. The amount of money that I saw spent for just a couple hours of celebration gave me anxiety.
But I’m laughing at myself because until reading this I didn’t think about how society gives a man and ELVES credit for Christmas joy before they will credit a woman for all the work she does. Literally they will make up elves before they will thank a woman for all her hard work. Ew.
We (collective family) are away this Christmas. About 16 adults. Over the 8 days we have a rota of a lead cook, and 4 helpers. Sex doesn't come into it. (The four helpers peel spuds, set the table, do the washing up.) Then the next day it is a different team. The rest of the year it is now just my adult son and myself and we take it in turns. Both of us think we do more than the other.
My Father was a stinker. Loved the guy, but Mom got all kinds of BS from him; from offering to take in other people's laundry (pressing shirts on some ancient device whose name I no longer want to recall) to ... wrapping presents at Xmas. In a store's back room (or maybe a basement?)
The good, well I learned to wrap presents like a pro. Like my Mom.
The pressure of MAKING it special and joyful for everyone else, especially children, people who are pressured themselves by society into overly high expectations, combined with the inevitable bad mood and emotional volatility of men during holidays (as very aptly described my Zawn Villines) make them miserable.
A few times I considered divorce for this reason and not because of the season; it's a year-round thing. Over the years he's gotten better about sharing cooking-recently he has been seen to do the dishes once in a while, and shopping. Christmas is his holiday now and I help him. I'll take the changes!
And who appreciates all we do over the holidays? A couple years ago my adult son made a comment that every Thanksgiving and every Christmas conjured angry, negative images and feelings. Every one? I wanted to bonk him on the head. He was the focus of the holidays ... many times we drove through blizzards for five hours so he could be with grandma, grandpa and all the aunts, uncles and cousins. [He's entitled to his spin, I know it's not reality, so I ignore his ignorance.]
Seldom are we appreciated for what we do. And, we're treated like second class citizens - "the little woman" norm. The spillover is at work, too; our opinions don't matter and we are thusly not listened to or taken seriously.
Argh! It is the way it is. I must move on and find things that are beautiful in my environment that evoke a feeling of appreciation. Override the ickies with positive stuff. Moving on....
Sobering analysis—thanks for this—especially *this*: “I try to avoid the online festive rabbit hole, but occasionally, I do catch glimpses of it: homes bursting with an overwhelming amount of decorations, families dressed in coordinated pyjamas, twinkling lights in every corner, and steaming hot cocoa served in Christmas-themed mugs. It’s like stepping into a Hallmark movie set. It’s also a gross example of overconsumption.” I *love* Xmas… but this is a vision of Hell🫢
Both genders need to actively push into arenas not stereotypically for them. And we should invite and teach those that don't know.
I've angered or frustrated the women in my family for burning or spilling a dish, or not writing cards to their standard. And it does make you want to say, "you know what, it'd be better I just stepped away."
The gender barriers are down, it's time we expected more from each side. Both the men and the women should be cooking, washing, writing cards, making invites, putting up lights, etc.
Unfortunately the gender barrier is not down enough. It's getting better though for the kids in their 30s and younger. Anyone over 50 is usually a dinosauer. Can't make a thumbtack into a violin. Best case: talk to kids about feelings and reality's impact.
I’m sorry, do you expect women to teach you not to spill things at your big age?
You’re blaming women because you spilled something for not teaching you??
Sir, please educate yourself about the term Weaponized incompetence I’m sure that’s why women in your life get frustrated with you. They know what you’re doing
No, I’ve cooked thousands of times without issue. People get territorial with their specialties or spaces sometimes it seems. You get both genders gatekeeping sometimes.
Weaponized incompetence is an elementary term applicable to some but was not it here.
I fucking hate the holidays because of this and performative bullshit family theater. If I could be put into a coma from the last week in November through the first week of January every year I would.
I feel the same way.
I’ve never been religious and some time in my mid 30s I just stopped dealing with Christmas stuff. I don’t have kids so I can skip it and nobody’s going to call me a bad person.
For a couple years I continue to send Christmas cards because I hate making phone calls and I felt like this was a way to reach out to people I don’t talk to often.
But I’m not doing it this year. Everything costs too much money and the post office rarely delivers the mail correctly anymore. I’m not spending money on cards and stamps just to have them not show up.
If, perhaps, it did not fall to individual women to act alone for every aspect of making the holiday work (as so the stereotyped but accurate image goes), but active collaboration among family members to sub-divide the labor, women would not feel the need to accomplish it all to make it work. In my family, at least, events and activities are subcontracted among a large group of people, but I know not everyone has that luxury.
It is possible to make sure women do not have to believe it all has to "come out of {their] holly jolly butt" (as one fictional animated woman once put it), and being considerate and thoughtful about not making everything the responsibility of one person will go a long way towards redefining this outdated attitude towards December labor.
Nice advice to "fix it", but my experience is that "active collaboration" aka "family meetings" are filled with good intent and that's where it dead ends. There is a generation gap as well, where meetings won't even happen.
Of course this idea is less successful with dysfunctional families...
The last time I lived with a couple it would fall all on her because she was the only one who seemed to want the Christmas celebrations. They didn’t have kids so it would’ve been fine if they skipped it but she really enjoyed it and he didn’t.
For them it turned out to be a compatibility thing, not just with Christmas but with children and everything. But I could kind of understand why he didn’t want to spend time after work decorating the house for a Christmas party he didn’t want in the first place.
But I also understand why “keeping a man” means if she didn’t do it he would go find Christmas joy somewhere else.
But, I think this is a compatibility thing. If she had got with someone who enjoyed Christmas celebrations maybe he would’ve helped. We could argue that if he cared about her he should want her to enjoy Christmas, but I think he felt that by paying for all the stuff that was good enough and she should handle the rest.
This article really hit close to home, thank you for writing it. I saw so much of my mother and my grandmother in this… But it also made me realize how far I’ve personally come with my partner. He not only volunteers but does many of these extras for me, and always has But he always checks in on me to make sure I’m not feeling over burdened.💕
That’s how relationships should always look! It’s sad, though, that this kind of support and balance still feels rare for so many.
wait "woke and undermining traditional gender norms and the traditional Christian family"?? that's literally what gender norms and traditional roles are in a traditional family (I daresay even other than Christian). Are people losing the plot?!
This particular segment of the British population definitely lost the plot years ago 😅
I’m pretty sure that all the extra Christmas work is part of why I decided to remain Childfree. That and kids birthday parties. I didn’t want to do any of that stuff. The amount of money that I saw spent for just a couple hours of celebration gave me anxiety.
But I’m laughing at myself because until reading this I didn’t think about how society gives a man and ELVES credit for Christmas joy before they will credit a woman for all the work she does. Literally they will make up elves before they will thank a woman for all her hard work. Ew.
It’s wild how far society has always gone to deny the full extent of the labour women do to keep it running.
We (collective family) are away this Christmas. About 16 adults. Over the 8 days we have a rota of a lead cook, and 4 helpers. Sex doesn't come into it. (The four helpers peel spuds, set the table, do the washing up.) Then the next day it is a different team. The rest of the year it is now just my adult son and myself and we take it in turns. Both of us think we do more than the other.
That sounds like a really balanced and fun approach to sharing responsibilities!
Katie, thank you for an incredibly informing -- and so true analysis of 'women's work' during Xmas and every day thereafter and before!!
Thank you for reading, glad you found it informative!
My Father was a stinker. Loved the guy, but Mom got all kinds of BS from him; from offering to take in other people's laundry (pressing shirts on some ancient device whose name I no longer want to recall) to ... wrapping presents at Xmas. In a store's back room (or maybe a basement?)
The good, well I learned to wrap presents like a pro. Like my Mom.
Yep people pleasers are dangerous, especially the ones that volunteer other people‘s labor. Your poor mom.
The pressure of MAKING it special and joyful for everyone else, especially children, people who are pressured themselves by society into overly high expectations, combined with the inevitable bad mood and emotional volatility of men during holidays (as very aptly described my Zawn Villines) make them miserable.
Just saw this on Substack:
Phoenixing
Verb
The phase that comes after everything burns down,
and life as you know it feels like it'll never be good again -
you enter the most powerful flight of your life.
The bad times are the ashes.
And vou are the bird.
Wow! You hit a nerve, girl!
A few times I considered divorce for this reason and not because of the season; it's a year-round thing. Over the years he's gotten better about sharing cooking-recently he has been seen to do the dishes once in a while, and shopping. Christmas is his holiday now and I help him. I'll take the changes!
And who appreciates all we do over the holidays? A couple years ago my adult son made a comment that every Thanksgiving and every Christmas conjured angry, negative images and feelings. Every one? I wanted to bonk him on the head. He was the focus of the holidays ... many times we drove through blizzards for five hours so he could be with grandma, grandpa and all the aunts, uncles and cousins. [He's entitled to his spin, I know it's not reality, so I ignore his ignorance.]
Seldom are we appreciated for what we do. And, we're treated like second class citizens - "the little woman" norm. The spillover is at work, too; our opinions don't matter and we are thusly not listened to or taken seriously.
Argh! It is the way it is. I must move on and find things that are beautiful in my environment that evoke a feeling of appreciation. Override the ickies with positive stuff. Moving on....
Sobering analysis—thanks for this—especially *this*: “I try to avoid the online festive rabbit hole, but occasionally, I do catch glimpses of it: homes bursting with an overwhelming amount of decorations, families dressed in coordinated pyjamas, twinkling lights in every corner, and steaming hot cocoa served in Christmas-themed mugs. It’s like stepping into a Hallmark movie set. It’s also a gross example of overconsumption.” I *love* Xmas… but this is a vision of Hell🫢
Thank you for reading! If I could forever block all that content, I absolutely would.
yes, thats true
Thanks for describing what women have to do during the holiday season which is seen as fun and relaxing time for all.
"...a gross example of overconsumption."
A reindeer is the perfect symbol for a holiday devoted to worshipping the almighty buck.
Both genders need to actively push into arenas not stereotypically for them. And we should invite and teach those that don't know.
I've angered or frustrated the women in my family for burning or spilling a dish, or not writing cards to their standard. And it does make you want to say, "you know what, it'd be better I just stepped away."
The gender barriers are down, it's time we expected more from each side. Both the men and the women should be cooking, washing, writing cards, making invites, putting up lights, etc.
What do you mean should? I don’t think women should do any of this if they don’t feel like it, and if they don’t have kids they don’t have to.
Unfortunately the gender barrier is not down enough. It's getting better though for the kids in their 30s and younger. Anyone over 50 is usually a dinosauer. Can't make a thumbtack into a violin. Best case: talk to kids about feelings and reality's impact.
I’m sorry, do you expect women to teach you not to spill things at your big age?
You’re blaming women because you spilled something for not teaching you??
Sir, please educate yourself about the term Weaponized incompetence I’m sure that’s why women in your life get frustrated with you. They know what you’re doing
No, I’ve cooked thousands of times without issue. People get territorial with their specialties or spaces sometimes it seems. You get both genders gatekeeping sometimes.
Weaponized incompetence is an elementary term applicable to some but was not it here.
"...Weaponized incompetence..."
The term "weaponized incompetence" is an example of ideological jargon.