Welcome back, Katie. My husband and I have always done our own laundry. It's worked for us for almost 50 years. We're living proof of the possibility and promise of gender equality.
I have to admit that I almost didn't finish reading when you started to talk about your partner sharing in the daily household chores because I thought it was going to be a "love fest" about his participation. Thank you for the slow build to the reality of the situation. I have been aware of this for many years and have wondered time and again why women (myself included) don't just create our own little space away from but near our preferred partner. I actually know why but still think about it. :)
But even these rough estimates make it clear that the economic value of unpaid ‘women’s work’ is colossal. And yet, it remains some of the least valued work there is, if not the least. - just this line alone has so much in it ... 'care' in any form is one of our deepest values required in a relational community and yet today still the least valued - only exacerbating the fact that we cannot in any form be who we are required to be in relational terms ...
Thank you for your words. I especially liked the emphasis how care & domestic work are constantly devalued by political systems, capitalism & the patriarchy as non-skilled work albeit it‘s the basis for everything.
(things are even worse for those Countries where male kids are pampered and served, where the only reason they move away from mama hen is when they get engaged)
I guess I’ve got a limited edition model then because my partner is actually Italian 😅 Although his mother isn’t, which I imagine made quite a difference.
But I do know what you mean. I’ll never forget this one Italian guy at university (outside Italy) who refused to do his own laundry and actually mailed it home. To his mom. And then she mailed it back. It was just... really something else.
Knowing that everyone over reports their household contribution, I never knew if mine was fair. So I started timing the time I spent on everything. It ended up being 3-4 hours a day, looking at the average, I feel like it's fair, and I will still keep doing my best.
I also found that it is very counter-productive to keep to close an eye on your partners activities. To settle an argument, I once kept track of every glass, dish or container I picked up in a day and took to the kitchen. It was astounding and I got so mad and felt so vindicated and was about to go through all the photos on my phone, but then realized I am more infuriating on my trivial behaviour. There are some arguments not worth winning. It only takes a few minutes to scan the house and there's no point in asking for change that won't happen. Since then, I try to keep my own nonsense to a minimum and feel a sigh of relief when all the dishes are were they should be.
I'm quite happy to do some housework, and like to listen to podcasts while I'm doing it. But maybe men are more about cleaning to a functional level rather than making things look perfect like on Instagram.
Men love to pretend that there are multiple definitions of "clean," and that women's standards are too high. Clean is clean, buddy. This lame argument doesn't fly.
Welcome back, Katie. My husband and I have always done our own laundry. It's worked for us for almost 50 years. We're living proof of the possibility and promise of gender equality.
Thank you! I'm glad to be back.
I have to admit that I almost didn't finish reading when you started to talk about your partner sharing in the daily household chores because I thought it was going to be a "love fest" about his participation. Thank you for the slow build to the reality of the situation. I have been aware of this for many years and have wondered time and again why women (myself included) don't just create our own little space away from but near our preferred partner. I actually know why but still think about it. :)
Good thing you stayed until the end then! 😌
But even these rough estimates make it clear that the economic value of unpaid ‘women’s work’ is colossal. And yet, it remains some of the least valued work there is, if not the least. - just this line alone has so much in it ... 'care' in any form is one of our deepest values required in a relational community and yet today still the least valued - only exacerbating the fact that we cannot in any form be who we are required to be in relational terms ...
True. Care work is the foundation of so, so much.
Thank you for your words. I especially liked the emphasis how care & domestic work are constantly devalued by political systems, capitalism & the patriarchy as non-skilled work albeit it‘s the basis for everything.
Household labor inequality isn't just unfair, it's abuse.
Source: Zawn Villines of Liberating Motherhood here on Substack
(things are even worse for those Countries where male kids are pampered and served, where the only reason they move away from mama hen is when they get engaged)
I guess I’ve got a limited edition model then because my partner is actually Italian 😅 Although his mother isn’t, which I imagine made quite a difference.
But I do know what you mean. I’ll never forget this one Italian guy at university (outside Italy) who refused to do his own laundry and actually mailed it home. To his mom. And then she mailed it back. It was just... really something else.
Hahahah that's a prime example. And, of course #notallitalians ! ;)
(I've put it in brackets so the Italians don't hear me. shhh)
Knowing that everyone over reports their household contribution, I never knew if mine was fair. So I started timing the time I spent on everything. It ended up being 3-4 hours a day, looking at the average, I feel like it's fair, and I will still keep doing my best.
I also found that it is very counter-productive to keep to close an eye on your partners activities. To settle an argument, I once kept track of every glass, dish or container I picked up in a day and took to the kitchen. It was astounding and I got so mad and felt so vindicated and was about to go through all the photos on my phone, but then realized I am more infuriating on my trivial behaviour. There are some arguments not worth winning. It only takes a few minutes to scan the house and there's no point in asking for change that won't happen. Since then, I try to keep my own nonsense to a minimum and feel a sigh of relief when all the dishes are were they should be.
Your partner is awesome!
Emotional Support (68.1 hours per month), give me a break. I'm unsubscribing.
I'm quite happy to do some housework, and like to listen to podcasts while I'm doing it. But maybe men are more about cleaning to a functional level rather than making things look perfect like on Instagram.
Men love to pretend that there are multiple definitions of "clean," and that women's standards are too high. Clean is clean, buddy. This lame argument doesn't fly.
Well, is it best to clean the fridge when there's one noticeable fingerprint or 10? For myself it's around 5 or 6, and that's fine for me.
Do you feel your female friends or family would judge you if they saw your house wasn't totally clean? I hope they wouldn't!