Thank you for this clear, balanced look at what the stats actually show versus the narrative that’s being pushed. So frustrating that there is so much disinformation out there that we have to weed through, so I really appreciate your insightful posts.
In so many of these arguments about men falling behind (because women are… needing to earn a living too?), and how are boys aren’t thriving, and how men are lonely etc, one question is never asked: Who is ultimately benefiting from this sad state of affairs? How about if we follow the money?
The rapid deunionizatation of the nation destroyed the economic lives and bargaining power of a mostly male work force, and deprived men of an important and powerful “fraternity.” Coupled with deindustrialization, men’s real wages fell, and essentially destroyed the single-income family model for working and middle class families.
In order to earn what a (formerly employed) blue collar male high school graduate could earn, women NEEDED at least a four year degree. And so, with this requirement, colleges became huge profit centers - hedge funds with a side hustle in holding classes, saddling those who attend with lifelong debt and becoming unattainable for many working class kids. (Not taking on that debt is a rational decision when all a 4 year degree will get you is a call center job.)
With families now required to have two wage earners, mortgage and education costs through the roof, insurance costing a second mortgage, there is no longer time for “leisure” - without that time, there is no time for community, solidarity, fraternity, sorority. No time to challenge the predatory extractive power of the capitalist classes. Instead, we are given this pat, nonsensical and simplistic reasoning about a “war of the sexes” - and powerless men end up blaming powerless women instead of examining the power structures that benefit from making our lives miserable.
This! If the biggest billionaires all becoming talking heads on the “masculinity issue” (look at zuck rebranding to a class of ‘25 frat guy) doesn’t tell you the true motives, then you’re just willfully obtuse. Ultimately materialist conclusions are overwhelming to the average person, while the idealized explanations allow you to shout down real people that you’re much less afraid of than the local CEO
There is still a deeply rooted belief that "man is strong" or "man is in charge" and so women slowly slowly pullin up means their resolve is weakening which means they need stats and pieces to to pick at women's accomplishments and keep us down. #smashthepatriarchy. ;)
Brilliant essay. I especially appreciate your discussion of the "influencers" that denigrate intellectual pursuits or academic aspirations as insufficiently "masculine."
"What then happens when boys no longer see academic success as desirable or essential to their future success? What if the role models they look up to and the media they consume increasingly frame mainstream and higher education as ‘girly,’ ‘woke,’ ‘nerdy,’ or ‘emasculating?’ And what if, instead, they’re told that to be a ‘real’ man, a real ‘alpha,’ all they need is a hustle mindset and a few online courses from influencers promising wealth, dominance, and status — without the effort or discipline that education requires?"
Thank you! So many studies show the harmful impact these influencers have on boys and young men yet those sounding the alarm about men ‘falling behind’ rarely even mention it. Perhaps because they’re not all that different themselves...
the psyop of women being the the reason men feel economically insecure when ceos are collectively trying to figure out how to cut every 10 person team to one overworked and scared work visa holder “overseeing” a bunch of AI is right there in our face. But it’s easier and more cathartic to punch at the people closest in range.
Another excellent read! I completely agree with your points. I’d also add that we sometimes do ourselves a disservice by overusing the phrase 'toxic masculinity'. While it's true that the manosphere and other toxic influences, whether perpetuated by men or women, continue to reinforce repressive, patriarchal gender norms, the conversation often gets stuck there.
If we shifted the focus toward what it means to be a good human — beyond gender — we could begin to dismantle harmful stereotypes and promote a more nuanced, balanced understanding of the different energies we all carry.
As I wrote in a previous essay: 'But if we trace these ideas back to their philosophical roots — specifically yin and yang in Chinese philosophy — we see a different picture. Yin (equated with the feminine) represents intuition, care and receptiveness; yang (equated with the masculine) represents action, logic and leadership. They aren’t opposites at war — they’re complementary forces, both necessary for balance, and both present in everyone, regardless of gender'.
What a fantastic essay. I came to this worrying this would be punching down, and really loved that you didn't pull any punches, but still held empathy for everyone. I think you totally nailed the crux in a way I hadn't considered, that
"Rising economic inequality, exploitative capitalist systems, social disconnection, democratic backsliding, rigid gender norms, and the looming threat of climate collapse affect the well-being and lives of most people today."
- Yes. One almost gets the feeling that the entire pushing of this "men are falling behind" narrative, is a class-based chess piece, designed to reroute calls for redistribution into ... Blaming women. As a man myself and seeing some of my friends deal with these problems, I think it is certainly true in part that men are struggling (as in *working class men*). But it also really distracts from the massive fucking fact - as you say. The job market is shit for everyone. Economic inequality is at an all time high; we are calcifying into debt/asset holding driven feudal economy - job viability is thus drying up for everyone. *No one* is "winning."
Yes! It's ironic that for the calls for a growth based economy (i.e. a system premised upon non-zero sum logic) the ruling class depends on the mass acceptance *of* the fact that it *is* a zero sum game
What a 15 year old boy we know and love had to say about this:
“That’s actually a great article, I think pretty much everything in there is right. Definetly the fact that women aren’t surpassing men, just gaining back equality. It seems people have just forgotten that women were excluded from many things just to worry about them becoming better, whereas they’re actually just striving to be equal. I also think that for men it is often harder to challenge our barriers of masculinity. Unfortunately I think that’s just the way society has been set up, which is unfortunate, and women have manage to break through their barriers. I don’t know wether to say it’s harder to break through the barriers of masculinity than it was for women to break through theirs, but I think it is important to do so to start seeing things as equal.”
Fantastic essay, Katie! One thing I think about often is how the tropes of traditional masculinity -- be strong, aggressive, competitive, etc. -- are coded differently for men and women, and especially for children and adolescents. Many of the things that we encourage girls to do to escape the bounds of femininity are actually "masculine" traits ("strong is the new pretty" and #girlboss, etc.) So we end up just recycling those same tropes and feeding them to girls under the guise of female empowerment. This is wholly inadequate, of course, but girls at least get exposed to a wider range of norms that can be considered socially acceptable. But because our society tends to devalue things that are "feminine," we don't do the same with boys and so they are cut off from a whole range of ways of being in the world that would serve them well emotionally.
Great article, I do wonder if we somehow are still repeating this male bias unintentionally even in those AFAB. We repeat the behaviors we are told are more dominant and effective while still maintaining the same unreasonable, unrealistic and unresolved expectations for women. It has somehow translated to the loss of rights for us all, especially the some how blatantly more reviled trans female. The bias remains and repeats. I think you are also the writer that mentioned this week that we are even now training AI to have that same bias, because it is inherent.
Thank you for the research and care you put into this. It's pretty eye-opening. I really hadn't considered this idea of a university education being devalued now that there are as many or more women enrolled, and what you say about the manosphere as a symptom of this sounds exactly right. I'm terrified, as the mother of a boy, about the lack of genuine solution-focused analysis of this problem. My son tells me that his teacher always favours the girls in his class and this upsets him. I do what I can to explain the history of patriarchy and he's a kind kid who seems to get it, but if he continues to feel this to be unfair and it's pitched to him by online culture as a zero-sum game, how ripe is he for falling into this nasty manosphere? I think your emphasis on moving forward in ways that benefit all is absolutely crucial, and I am going to think on how to put this idea into action with my son and his peers. Thanks again for this great essay, and the inspiration to act!
When I was student teaching thirty years ago I was told I had been calling on the girls too much, and on the boys not enough. So I started to track who I called on and interacted with, to see what I was doing.
I was calling on boys and girls exactly 50/50.
It should not be shocking, given the research about how much men perceive women to have dominated discussion when they have had less speaking time than men, that my (progressive and feminist) supervising teachers perceived me as biased towards girls when I was not.
It would be worth talking to your son about what he means by the teacher favoring girls, maybe collecting some data about something that can be objectively evaluated. It’s good to operate with data. Maybe the teacher does favor girls, and maybe that is something he can address with the teacher. Or maybe he will find he is mistaken and that will make a difference too.
It’s a tough time to be a parent, especially a feminist parent trying to raise feminist boys.
Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. I guess your finding shouldn’t surprise me, but this is a great suggestion. I have made an appointment to talk to his teacher because she has, according to my son, admitted that she favours the girls. And I thought ‘good for her if she does!But she should be talking to the kids about that decision’. But I think you’re right that I should also be looking into his perceptions more carefully. He’s 12 and doesn’t have a phone or any social media, but I don’t doubt he is still in many ways exposed to patriarchal rhetoric of the kind that may have primed him to believe that girls are being favoured and to come at this with a total confirmation bias! And yes, parenting in 2025! I have two girls who have their own challenges, but somehow the challenge of raising boys right now seems more complex and I am less sure of myself and my choices than I have been with my girls. I’m so glad for this article and the light it has shed on something we don’t talk about enough.
20 years ago when my son and daughter were in elementary school, I got involved with the parent council, and was head of council for 10 years. I worked with the Principals and VPs (all women) and all of them told me that a top concern of the Provincial Education dept, that controlled teaching methods and curriculum, was ensuring that girls succeeded. And that in their experience, as practicing teachers themselves, that this was masking a problem for boys, as they have different learning styles, and this was causing boys to disengage, which was not being acknowledged by the Ed Dept. So hard to get right and too frequently education gets underfunded.
Also (and I hope I didn't miss this from your article) if caring jobs are held by women, and women are distancing from the 'boys will be boys' mentality, it means that the whole educational sphere (schools/programs) are less likely to cater for boys' comfort. If more and more researchers and scientists are women, then more medical research will include women. Men are not 'kicked out', they did this to themselves ~ to a certain minimal degree
Thank you for this clear, balanced look at what the stats actually show versus the narrative that’s being pushed. So frustrating that there is so much disinformation out there that we have to weed through, so I really appreciate your insightful posts.
Thank you for the kind words! So glad you find them insightful!
In so many of these arguments about men falling behind (because women are… needing to earn a living too?), and how are boys aren’t thriving, and how men are lonely etc, one question is never asked: Who is ultimately benefiting from this sad state of affairs? How about if we follow the money?
The rapid deunionizatation of the nation destroyed the economic lives and bargaining power of a mostly male work force, and deprived men of an important and powerful “fraternity.” Coupled with deindustrialization, men’s real wages fell, and essentially destroyed the single-income family model for working and middle class families.
In order to earn what a (formerly employed) blue collar male high school graduate could earn, women NEEDED at least a four year degree. And so, with this requirement, colleges became huge profit centers - hedge funds with a side hustle in holding classes, saddling those who attend with lifelong debt and becoming unattainable for many working class kids. (Not taking on that debt is a rational decision when all a 4 year degree will get you is a call center job.)
With families now required to have two wage earners, mortgage and education costs through the roof, insurance costing a second mortgage, there is no longer time for “leisure” - without that time, there is no time for community, solidarity, fraternity, sorority. No time to challenge the predatory extractive power of the capitalist classes. Instead, we are given this pat, nonsensical and simplistic reasoning about a “war of the sexes” - and powerless men end up blaming powerless women instead of examining the power structures that benefit from making our lives miserable.
This! If the biggest billionaires all becoming talking heads on the “masculinity issue” (look at zuck rebranding to a class of ‘25 frat guy) doesn’t tell you the true motives, then you’re just willfully obtuse. Ultimately materialist conclusions are overwhelming to the average person, while the idealized explanations allow you to shout down real people that you’re much less afraid of than the local CEO
There is still a deeply rooted belief that "man is strong" or "man is in charge" and so women slowly slowly pullin up means their resolve is weakening which means they need stats and pieces to to pick at women's accomplishments and keep us down. #smashthepatriarchy. ;)
Yup, women’s accomplishments strike at the core of what keeps patriarchy alive: the myth of male superiority.
Brilliant essay. I especially appreciate your discussion of the "influencers" that denigrate intellectual pursuits or academic aspirations as insufficiently "masculine."
"What then happens when boys no longer see academic success as desirable or essential to their future success? What if the role models they look up to and the media they consume increasingly frame mainstream and higher education as ‘girly,’ ‘woke,’ ‘nerdy,’ or ‘emasculating?’ And what if, instead, they’re told that to be a ‘real’ man, a real ‘alpha,’ all they need is a hustle mindset and a few online courses from influencers promising wealth, dominance, and status — without the effort or discipline that education requires?"
Brava! And thank you.
Thank you! So many studies show the harmful impact these influencers have on boys and young men yet those sounding the alarm about men ‘falling behind’ rarely even mention it. Perhaps because they’re not all that different themselves...
the psyop of women being the the reason men feel economically insecure when ceos are collectively trying to figure out how to cut every 10 person team to one overworked and scared work visa holder “overseeing” a bunch of AI is right there in our face. But it’s easier and more cathartic to punch at the people closest in range.
Unfortunately, some men are too easily tricked into blaming feminism and women’s empowerment for problems that are actually caused by capitalism.
Another excellent read! I completely agree with your points. I’d also add that we sometimes do ourselves a disservice by overusing the phrase 'toxic masculinity'. While it's true that the manosphere and other toxic influences, whether perpetuated by men or women, continue to reinforce repressive, patriarchal gender norms, the conversation often gets stuck there.
If we shifted the focus toward what it means to be a good human — beyond gender — we could begin to dismantle harmful stereotypes and promote a more nuanced, balanced understanding of the different energies we all carry.
As I wrote in a previous essay: 'But if we trace these ideas back to their philosophical roots — specifically yin and yang in Chinese philosophy — we see a different picture. Yin (equated with the feminine) represents intuition, care and receptiveness; yang (equated with the masculine) represents action, logic and leadership. They aren’t opposites at war — they’re complementary forces, both necessary for balance, and both present in everyone, regardless of gender'.
https://femmefactale.substack.com/p/stop-talking-about-toxic-masculinity
What a fantastic essay. I came to this worrying this would be punching down, and really loved that you didn't pull any punches, but still held empathy for everyone. I think you totally nailed the crux in a way I hadn't considered, that
"Rising economic inequality, exploitative capitalist systems, social disconnection, democratic backsliding, rigid gender norms, and the looming threat of climate collapse affect the well-being and lives of most people today."
- Yes. One almost gets the feeling that the entire pushing of this "men are falling behind" narrative, is a class-based chess piece, designed to reroute calls for redistribution into ... Blaming women. As a man myself and seeing some of my friends deal with these problems, I think it is certainly true in part that men are struggling (as in *working class men*). But it also really distracts from the massive fucking fact - as you say. The job market is shit for everyone. Economic inequality is at an all time high; we are calcifying into debt/asset holding driven feudal economy - job viability is thus drying up for everyone. *No one* is "winning."
Thanks for the interesting piece!
Thanks. It is not a zero sum game.
Yes! It's ironic that for the calls for a growth based economy (i.e. a system premised upon non-zero sum logic) the ruling class depends on the mass acceptance *of* the fact that it *is* a zero sum game
What a 15 year old boy we know and love had to say about this:
“That’s actually a great article, I think pretty much everything in there is right. Definetly the fact that women aren’t surpassing men, just gaining back equality. It seems people have just forgotten that women were excluded from many things just to worry about them becoming better, whereas they’re actually just striving to be equal. I also think that for men it is often harder to challenge our barriers of masculinity. Unfortunately I think that’s just the way society has been set up, which is unfortunate, and women have manage to break through their barriers. I don’t know wether to say it’s harder to break through the barriers of masculinity than it was for women to break through theirs, but I think it is important to do so to start seeing things as equal.”
🫠
Fantastic essay, Katie! One thing I think about often is how the tropes of traditional masculinity -- be strong, aggressive, competitive, etc. -- are coded differently for men and women, and especially for children and adolescents. Many of the things that we encourage girls to do to escape the bounds of femininity are actually "masculine" traits ("strong is the new pretty" and #girlboss, etc.) So we end up just recycling those same tropes and feeding them to girls under the guise of female empowerment. This is wholly inadequate, of course, but girls at least get exposed to a wider range of norms that can be considered socially acceptable. But because our society tends to devalue things that are "feminine," we don't do the same with boys and so they are cut off from a whole range of ways of being in the world that would serve them well emotionally.
Stopped reading after the first misinterpretation of wage statistics.
That’s bc you’re a moron
😒
Great article, I do wonder if we somehow are still repeating this male bias unintentionally even in those AFAB. We repeat the behaviors we are told are more dominant and effective while still maintaining the same unreasonable, unrealistic and unresolved expectations for women. It has somehow translated to the loss of rights for us all, especially the some how blatantly more reviled trans female. The bias remains and repeats. I think you are also the writer that mentioned this week that we are even now training AI to have that same bias, because it is inherent.
It's so infuriating to see women like Miller put forth arguments like this that STILL imply that a man's problem is somehow a woman's fault.
Thank you for the research and care you put into this. It's pretty eye-opening. I really hadn't considered this idea of a university education being devalued now that there are as many or more women enrolled, and what you say about the manosphere as a symptom of this sounds exactly right. I'm terrified, as the mother of a boy, about the lack of genuine solution-focused analysis of this problem. My son tells me that his teacher always favours the girls in his class and this upsets him. I do what I can to explain the history of patriarchy and he's a kind kid who seems to get it, but if he continues to feel this to be unfair and it's pitched to him by online culture as a zero-sum game, how ripe is he for falling into this nasty manosphere? I think your emphasis on moving forward in ways that benefit all is absolutely crucial, and I am going to think on how to put this idea into action with my son and his peers. Thanks again for this great essay, and the inspiration to act!
When I was student teaching thirty years ago I was told I had been calling on the girls too much, and on the boys not enough. So I started to track who I called on and interacted with, to see what I was doing.
I was calling on boys and girls exactly 50/50.
It should not be shocking, given the research about how much men perceive women to have dominated discussion when they have had less speaking time than men, that my (progressive and feminist) supervising teachers perceived me as biased towards girls when I was not.
It would be worth talking to your son about what he means by the teacher favoring girls, maybe collecting some data about something that can be objectively evaluated. It’s good to operate with data. Maybe the teacher does favor girls, and maybe that is something he can address with the teacher. Or maybe he will find he is mistaken and that will make a difference too.
It’s a tough time to be a parent, especially a feminist parent trying to raise feminist boys.
Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. I guess your finding shouldn’t surprise me, but this is a great suggestion. I have made an appointment to talk to his teacher because she has, according to my son, admitted that she favours the girls. And I thought ‘good for her if she does!But she should be talking to the kids about that decision’. But I think you’re right that I should also be looking into his perceptions more carefully. He’s 12 and doesn’t have a phone or any social media, but I don’t doubt he is still in many ways exposed to patriarchal rhetoric of the kind that may have primed him to believe that girls are being favoured and to come at this with a total confirmation bias! And yes, parenting in 2025! I have two girls who have their own challenges, but somehow the challenge of raising boys right now seems more complex and I am less sure of myself and my choices than I have been with my girls. I’m so glad for this article and the light it has shed on something we don’t talk about enough.
20 years ago when my son and daughter were in elementary school, I got involved with the parent council, and was head of council for 10 years. I worked with the Principals and VPs (all women) and all of them told me that a top concern of the Provincial Education dept, that controlled teaching methods and curriculum, was ensuring that girls succeeded. And that in their experience, as practicing teachers themselves, that this was masking a problem for boys, as they have different learning styles, and this was causing boys to disengage, which was not being acknowledged by the Ed Dept. So hard to get right and too frequently education gets underfunded.
Boys should be treated unfairly because of a "history of patriarchy"?
Great article. Thank you! So sick of this patriarchy that continue to spread the myth that women are to blame for everything.
Also (and I hope I didn't miss this from your article) if caring jobs are held by women, and women are distancing from the 'boys will be boys' mentality, it means that the whole educational sphere (schools/programs) are less likely to cater for boys' comfort. If more and more researchers and scientists are women, then more medical research will include women. Men are not 'kicked out', they did this to themselves ~ to a certain minimal degree
Its mostly a cover up of how damaging pornifying the culture is to hetero men and boys.