Why the War on Empathy Is Really a War on Humanity Itself
On the growing empathy deficit and its impact on our happiness and collective survival
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‘Do you think Trump’s administration will make it harder for your brother to get the green card?’ my Polish mother asked me on the phone the other day.
I was caught off guard by the question. Not because I didn’t expect her to worry about my brother, but because until now, it hadn’t occurred to her that Donald Trump’s presidential victory might affect him at all. Despite having not one but two children who are immigrants, both of my parents have always leaned conservative and held less-than-favourable views on immigration. Of course, in their minds, we don’t really count. There’s Us, and then there’s Them, the Others. And They clearly deserve the scrutiny.
Except… that’s not how any of this usually works, is it?
President Trump’s immigration crackdown, launched within his first days in office, has already led to arrests of both undocumented residents and American citizens. It’s also set to impact green card policies, visa programs, and more, making it harder for many people to stay in the country legally — including scientists like my brother. Few are truly safe from the relentless machinery of Otherisation, which casts anyone who doesn’t fit an absurdly narrow definition of belonging as a potential threat.
And yet, there seems to be no shortage of people applauding this grotesque spectacle of cruelty: families torn apart, individuals living in fear for their future, and lives turned upside down.
But this outright delight — or indifference — in the face of so much suffering and fear isn’t just bad news for those who find themselves Othered today.
Empathy — the ability to recognise and understand the feelings of others — and compassion — being moved by their suffering or distress — have practically become controversial nowadays.
Nothing made this more painfully clear than the reactions to the viral inauguration sermon delivered by Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde, in which she urged the new president to show mercy toward immigrants and the LGBTQ+ community. In response to her heartfelt plea, Budde was labelled a ‘woke leftie,’ a ‘lunatic,’ ‘hysterical,’ and an ‘unhinged nut job.’ Some, including President Trump himself, even demanded that the bishop issue a formal apology.
All of this for the simple act of ‘daring’ to suggest that we need to care about other fellow human beings.
But if you’ve been paying attention in recent years, this should hardly come as a surprise.
From articles by evangelical Christians declaring empathy a ‘sin’ (yes, really) to the global rise of populist extremists who thrive on ‘Us versus Them’ rhetoric and the widespread grievances that the world needs more ruthless, self-serving ‘masculine’ energy, it’s evident that empathy is being increasingly seen as a weakness rather than a strength. As something that hinders progress and renders people — especially men — pathetic, ‘neutered,’ and, above all, ‘woke’ (whatever that even means anymore).
Unfortunately, this Orwellian rebranding of having an awareness of the emotions of others, along with compassion and kindness — which is, in no small part, due to their association with the inherently inferior notion of ‘femininity’ — seems to have taken hold. Empathy has indeed been in decline, and for quite a while now. A 2011 landmark study of American college students found that they were, on average, 40% less empathetic than their peers in the 1980s, with the steepest drop occurring after 2000. More recently, a 2022 survey revealed that nearly two-thirds of Americans believe empathy has declined in recent years. A similar trend has been observed in the UK, where most Britons feel that empathy has been on the wane lately.
But amidst this empathy deficit, we’re also witnessing something else: an epidemic of loneliness, stress, anxiety, feelings of alienation, and despair. So many people, especially young, feel disconnected from their communities, unsupported by society, and left to navigate life’s challenges entirely on their own.
The proponents of the grossly misunderstood notion of ‘survival of the fittest’ might argue that ‘this is good, actually.’ That humans, just like nature, are fundamentally selfish and competitive, and so having more people pushed into the self-important little bubbles — out of necessity, choice, or both — is essential to human flourishing.
Well, if that were the case, then surely the countries that continue to exemplify such traits — ruthless individualism, self-interest, and competitiveness — would rank highest in terms of well-being.
But they don’t, do they?
The United States, a country that enshrined ‘the pursuit of happiness’ in its Declaration of Independence, didn’t even crack the top 20 in last year’s World Happiness Report. The UK managed to make the list but barely, just squeaking in at 20th place. Similar trends for both countries — and quite a few others in the Western world — can be found in the Happy Planet Index, Gallup’s Global Well-Being surveys, and the Social Progress Index.
Here’s something fascinating, though. One of the countries that consistently tops these well-being charts, year after year, also happens to be the only place in the world where teaching empathy is a mandatory part of the school curriculum: Denmark. Is that a coincidence? Danish psychotherapist Iben Sandahl and American cultural researcher Jessica Alexander argue otherwise in their book, The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids (an interesting read, regardless of whether you have children or not).
Here’s how this empathy-focused approach works in practice:
In the Danish school system, there is a mandatory national program implemented as early as preschool called Step by Step. The children are shown pictures of kids, each exhibiting a different emotion: sadness, fear, anger, frustration, happiness, and so on. The kids talk about these cards and put into words what the child is sensing, learning to conceptualise their own and others’ feelings. They learn empathy, problem-solving, self-control, and how to read facial expressions. An essential part of the program is that the facilitators and children aren’t judgmental of the emotions they see. Instead, they simply recognise and respect them.
This emphasis on instilling empathy, combined with other aspects of the Danish culture — such as the focus on togetherness and hygge (cosiness) — appears to not only create more resilient, well-adjusted and emotionally secure individuals but also stronger social networks. According to Sandahl and Alexander, this then leads to higher overall happiness. As they note:
The individual is prized too, but without the interaction and support of others, none of us can be truly happy as a whole person.
From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, too.
You may have already heard of the ‘social brain’ hypothesis, first proposed by biological anthropologist Robin Dunbar in the 1990s. It posits that the human brain evolved precisely to form and maintain complex social relationships. And that required developing advanced cognitive abilities such as empathy, compassion and theory of mind (the ability to understand others’ mental states). After all, how would our ancestors manage to live and thrive in small, nomadic tribes — usually no bigger than 15–20 people — for thousands of years if they couldn’t get along well with one another?
Sure, living alone was technically an option, but group living offered a much higher chance of survival. If you didn’t want to starve to death or be devoured by a predator in the dead of night, you had to figure out how to read and express emotional cues and cooperate.
Modern research suggests we’re wired for the welfare of others as well. One recent study published in Scientific Reports revealed, for instance, that even 19-month-old toddlers instinctively try to help adults in need — even at a personal cost — despite not yet being explicitly taught to help or be considerate. Meanwhile, neuroscience has shown that people’s brains actually derive more satisfaction from cooperating with others than from achieving solo success.
Our very biology affirms that connection and cooperation are fundamental to both our survival and well-being.
As Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, aptly puts it:
Empathy is not a luxury for human beings, it is a necessity. We survive not because we have claws and not because we have big fangs. We survive because we can communicate and collaborate.
There are likely several other reasons why empathy seems to be decreasing these days, aside from the outright demonisation of being caring and kind. One factor is the decline in reading, which research shows strengthens our empathy muscles. Another is the rise in burnout levels.
After all, any mental effort — including empathising with others — is a cost. It requires brainpower. Research confirms this, too: when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and our cognitive resources are depleted, our capacity for empathy diminishes. Perhaps we might still have some empathy for people in our in-group — Us — but not so much for anyone outside of it — Them.
Still, just because empathy deficit or selective empathy might be, in part, a result of the increasingly unlivable reality of the capitalist society doesn’t make it any less damaging. The cruel irony is that the reason so many people today are burned-out, stressed and lonely and lack the mental energy to empathise with others is because empathy, compassion, kindness and all these other qualities we label as ‘unimportant’ or ‘feminine’ haven’t been baked into the systems that shape our world and then make us burned-out, stressed and lonely. It’s a vicious cycle.
But it’s really about time we realised we’re in it and acknowledged that much of the thinking that shaped our world, like the belief that nature is a brutal, ruthless ‘struggle for life,’ isn’t helping humanity flourish. Quite the contrary. Even Charles Darwin, whose theories inspired the ‘survival of the fittest’ idea — developed by philosopher Herbert Spencer, not Darwin — was highly critical of it. It’s empathy and cooperation that have been key to our survival, he argued instead. As he writes in The Descent of Man:
Communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best and rear the greatest number of offspring.
So, no— it wasn’t brute strength, cutthroat competition or excessive individualism that helped Homo sapiens win out over all the other human species and ensured our collective survival up to now. It was our ability to live with each other, empathise with each others’ pain and feelings, and care for our young and loved ones together.
The good news is that we are all wired for empathy — yes, men included. We just need to learn how to connect these wires and make them work. Another bit of good news is that this can be done in many ways, including through empathy lessons in schools, intervention programs in workplaces and civic organisations, as well as through reading.
And reading all sorts of stories — not just those that are positive and make us feel good or those that focus on people like us.
The consequences of a continued decline in empathy, of this increased inability — or refusal — to see the world from others’s perspectives, could be devasting to our survival.
How can we come together to deal with the massive collective challenges and crises we face today, from wars and climate catastrophes to pandemics and rising social inequality, when we’re more preoccupied with finding more and more ways to divide ourselves? How could this be possible when cruelty, aggression and nastiness are sacralised and celebrated while empathy, civility, and decency are ridiculed and demonised?
We all lose in a world where this happens. Every single one of us.
The war on empathy is ultimately a war on what makes humans human.
It’s a war on humanity itself.
Well written! Do you know about the research in the area of sensitivity? See Elaine Arons's website. Seventy percent of humans across genders are sensitive. 1/5plus of all humans are highly sensitive. We process, think, feel, and sense more. This is not mere empathy. It's an interwoven intelligence that uses many senses, senses that are not bound by our skins. Social intelligence extends to connection with other species and ecosystems. The hypothesis is that Earth gifts us with these percentages (similar to those in other species) and provides enough sensitives to guide community (healers, teachers, artists, and community builders). In our times, when mentoring systems, creative intelligence, and social affection appear to wane, many more us our 70 percent of sensitives, grow ill. Meditation helps, as does self-regulation, but it is not enough. The vicious backlash against empathy is the cancer itself. The good news is that those of us in our beloved community who nurture each other's creativity and sovereignty do not lose in times like these. We grow heartier.
I believe it was Richard Leaky who promoted the idea that humans evolved large brains precisely to keep track of relationships. "He's my cousin, and she's the mother of his kids, so what exactly is my relationship to them?"