Some researchers have pointed out that men do much better in carrying the emotional labor of relationships in the courting stage of the relationship. If this is true, it implies that men are capable, just not sufficiently motivated—which is pretty damning.
Outstanding synopsis of the emotional and mental labor shouldered by women in heterosexual relationships. As a physician specializing in maternal and child health, I can say from personal experience that all of this is true.
Part of the issue lies in the fact that men are disincentivized from forming intimate, communicative relationships with other men due to the fear of being labeled as “gay”. And they’re accused of emotional infidelity if they form close platonic relationships with women. This calculus leads to an inability to decipher and communicate their feelings.
A lot of the problem rests in very limiting social constructs of masculinity. And fear of being perceived as homosexual or unfaithful.
I really appreciated this summary, and the part about how this emotional labor is both demanded of women and largely invisible. And, I would say there is an added feature which is that men's emotional lives and well-being are on the whole seen as more important and worthy of attention .Our expectations are adjusted downward, and no one really expects it to be otherwise. This is the part that gets internalized: a status quo where not only is our anger not welcome or allowed, but also the having our desires met is really, mostly, optional. Whose emotions matter and are given uptake is part of this equation.
This is such an important piece. I talked about it with my wife, am sharing it with friends, and most importantly: I'm going to discuss it with both my teen daughter and my teen son. Thank you for writing this. 🙏
I was married for eight years to the father of my children and like most divorces that women initiate, I did the cost benefit-analysis and saw that there was never going go to be anything in it for me, particularly when you factored in his substance abuse. And the children would also have suffered greatly. I’m happily single and likely to remain so for the rest of my life.
Couldn't have been explained more eloquently. It reminds me of this one video I saw regarding a trending topic in China, where a father reached out to others to help with a serious topic he was struggling with.
Get this, the topic was his wife asking him to help out more around the house. What's worse, all the responses and top-liked comment were giving their own advice on what they did, which was to pretend to not know how to do something or do something purposefully wrong so the wife could stop asking.
This just goes to show that, yes men are capable, they just chose not to.
If the man you are with is causing you to pay the price for caring and understanding him, leave. He’s not worth all the effort. Find a person who doesn’t exhaust you, and spend your emotional energy building a healthy relationship with them. It’s pretty simple really. Don’t date a man, or anyone, who makes you pay a price for caring about them.
Come to think of it, I would also like the T-shirt and the membership card for the "decentering men" movement. Maybe also the tote bag...
FYI: I consider myself genderfluid and almost always get along best with cis men out of all other categories of gender and being. However, I think part of this has to do with the fact that so many women see other women either as "competition" or as accessories to their chosen station in life (moms hang out with other moms, couples hang out with other couples, etc).
You can probably tell based on the number of restacks that every bit of this piece resonated with this fatherless, divorced woman and mother of sons. I’m done with the total self-sacrifice. Empty nest begins in 30 days.
Thanks for this! My son showed me Anderson’s paper over 2 years ago when he was 17-before it was even published. We did a show on it. I was so proud to say I learned of it from my son (woot woot!) What a brilliant piece of work! (She’s a young philosophy professor at Pomona College who has an awesome philosophy podcast, “Overthink”, for anyone who doesn’t know…)
Thank you for this. It can be crazy-making to experience the emotional caretaking in a relationship but not have the language to express why it's exhausting. Your article helped give me that language.
"We had to adapt to a world that, historically, gave us less power and autonomy and that tied our worth with the success of our romantic relationships." This is something I think about all the time since my first sociology course some years back. It's something I am forced to examine over and over again in the context of my personal life and in my writing. Thank you for this ❤
The idea of hermeneutical labor is completely new to me and I love it. Tho I’ve been through much worse, this is the cause of emotional exhaustion that’s not worth it. TY.
Some researchers have pointed out that men do much better in carrying the emotional labor of relationships in the courting stage of the relationship. If this is true, it implies that men are capable, just not sufficiently motivated—which is pretty damning.
Outstanding synopsis of the emotional and mental labor shouldered by women in heterosexual relationships. As a physician specializing in maternal and child health, I can say from personal experience that all of this is true.
Part of the issue lies in the fact that men are disincentivized from forming intimate, communicative relationships with other men due to the fear of being labeled as “gay”. And they’re accused of emotional infidelity if they form close platonic relationships with women. This calculus leads to an inability to decipher and communicate their feelings.
A lot of the problem rests in very limiting social constructs of masculinity. And fear of being perceived as homosexual or unfaithful.
I really appreciated this summary, and the part about how this emotional labor is both demanded of women and largely invisible. And, I would say there is an added feature which is that men's emotional lives and well-being are on the whole seen as more important and worthy of attention .Our expectations are adjusted downward, and no one really expects it to be otherwise. This is the part that gets internalized: a status quo where not only is our anger not welcome or allowed, but also the having our desires met is really, mostly, optional. Whose emotions matter and are given uptake is part of this equation.
This is such an important piece. I talked about it with my wife, am sharing it with friends, and most importantly: I'm going to discuss it with both my teen daughter and my teen son. Thank you for writing this. 🙏
I was married for eight years to the father of my children and like most divorces that women initiate, I did the cost benefit-analysis and saw that there was never going go to be anything in it for me, particularly when you factored in his substance abuse. And the children would also have suffered greatly. I’m happily single and likely to remain so for the rest of my life.
Couldn't have been explained more eloquently. It reminds me of this one video I saw regarding a trending topic in China, where a father reached out to others to help with a serious topic he was struggling with.
Get this, the topic was his wife asking him to help out more around the house. What's worse, all the responses and top-liked comment were giving their own advice on what they did, which was to pretend to not know how to do something or do something purposefully wrong so the wife could stop asking.
This just goes to show that, yes men are capable, they just chose not to.
If the man you are with is causing you to pay the price for caring and understanding him, leave. He’s not worth all the effort. Find a person who doesn’t exhaust you, and spend your emotional energy building a healthy relationship with them. It’s pretty simple really. Don’t date a man, or anyone, who makes you pay a price for caring about them.
Come to think of it, I would also like the T-shirt and the membership card for the "decentering men" movement. Maybe also the tote bag...
FYI: I consider myself genderfluid and almost always get along best with cis men out of all other categories of gender and being. However, I think part of this has to do with the fact that so many women see other women either as "competition" or as accessories to their chosen station in life (moms hang out with other moms, couples hang out with other couples, etc).
You can probably tell based on the number of restacks that every bit of this piece resonated with this fatherless, divorced woman and mother of sons. I’m done with the total self-sacrifice. Empty nest begins in 30 days.
Thanks for this! My son showed me Anderson’s paper over 2 years ago when he was 17-before it was even published. We did a show on it. I was so proud to say I learned of it from my son (woot woot!) What a brilliant piece of work! (She’s a young philosophy professor at Pomona College who has an awesome philosophy podcast, “Overthink”, for anyone who doesn’t know…)
Thank you for this. It can be crazy-making to experience the emotional caretaking in a relationship but not have the language to express why it's exhausting. Your article helped give me that language.
Thank you for this. I feel seen and heard. Now I can forward this to “him” as proof that it’s not just me!
This is great!
What is this "decentering men" movement of which you speak? How do I sign up?
"We had to adapt to a world that, historically, gave us less power and autonomy and that tied our worth with the success of our romantic relationships." This is something I think about all the time since my first sociology course some years back. It's something I am forced to examine over and over again in the context of my personal life and in my writing. Thank you for this ❤
Love this!
The idea of hermeneutical labor is completely new to me and I love it. Tho I’ve been through much worse, this is the cause of emotional exhaustion that’s not worth it. TY.